Something is going on with me.
I know I should have been writing about it.

But, I can’t seem to find
The words to explain.

I feel like I’m in some existential crisis.
Something within me is fundamentally shifting.

And, I’m waiting to see
What changes end up taking place.

It started weeks ago,
With a deep seated desire
Not to exercise.

Granted I never really want to exercise,
Even after 20+ years of doing it.

I do it because it’s good for my body.
I enjoy doing things that are good for my body.

That, however, does not translate into
Enjoying exercise.

So, not wanting to exercise
Is nothing new to me.

I have, however, still been able
To get myself to do it.

That is…
Until a few weeks ago

When my desire not to go,
Trumped my desire to exercise
As a form of self care.

I finally went back –
Although only two days this week.

I plan to start back
On my Monday thru Saturday routine
Next week.

I could chalk it up
To my body needing a rest.

I’m sure it did.

Deep down I know…

Something more
Was going on than that.

I could use the excuse,
I’ve been in a lot of pain

Which I have.

The fluctuating weather reeks havoc
On my joints.

In addition,
Each day I find my head hurts.

So, basically…

I’ve been here
Falling apart.

Or, at least,
That’s what it feels like
As I enter this new month.

To stay true to where I am
And how I feel,

I plan to journal more
From this point on.

Also…

As a way to keep track
Of the various things I try & do,

I’ll be changing some categories –

And, adding self care product
Suggestions & reviews.

Feeling unsettled,
I expect other things to change.

Not in terms of overall direction,
But to honor whatever comes
From this stage.

The best I can ever do
Is be true to where I am.

Even when I don’t fully
Know or understand
Where that is at.

So…
Please excuse my confusion.
Excuse whatever mess I may make
As I try to embrace
Whatever it is inside of me
That is taking place.

I feel this way
More than I’d like.

Like something needs to shift.
One door is closing,
While another brings fresh light.

Deep down,
I’ve always wanted to be
That person who heads straight
Towards their goal.

Who has crystal clear
Clarity as to the right path.

Unfortunately…

Clarity, until the moment it graces me,
Is something I feel I often lack.

Each day brings me closer
To where I feel I belong

Even if the process
Is tedious & long.

So, please be patient
While I figure things out.

This is,
However frustrated I may be
(Or become),
After all

What life is all about.

 
Christie
Christie
Obvious self care enthusiast. Long time yoga practitioner. Introvert. Avid reader. Obsessive learner. Perpetual student.

Also blogging at accountableformyself.com

Read more about my personal journey.

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