In the middle of 2018,
I had a mental & physical breakdown.

A series of tragic events spiraled me
Out of control.

I couldn’t eat solid food for almost a month.

I became very ill –
And, suffered a serious injury to my back.

All together,
Not my best year.

I did, however, learn a few things,
Which is sadly the case
When things tumble out of control.

First, I realized…

There is too much noise.

I sat in silence for days.

The normal whisper of a breeze
Sounding more like a scream.

My senses heightened
To pick up everything.

It was too much.

I was paralyzed.
I couldn’t read.
I couldn’t watch tv.
I couldn’t move around (due to my pain.)

I couldn’t stand being out in the world
Where I was assaulted by noise.

I still have an extreme sensitivity to it.
I seek solitude & quiet.

I also now have an awareness of
It’s invisible effects on my body.

A loud or unexpected noise causes
Instant tension in my body.

All my senses tune into the sound.
I’m on full alert.
Fear not so hidden in the background.

I had a similar realization about
The things that I see.

How fundamentally & unconsciously
They affect me.

I can no longer watch violence.
I shy heavily away from drama.

I cringe when I see words
That even hint of negativity.

My breakdown was like a storm.
A huge, once in a lifetime (hopefully) storm.

In the middle of it,
At it’s peak,

I experienced an extreme calm.
Peace & presence washed fully over me.

For less than one day,
It’s as if I transcended my life, my body & this plane.

Again, all my senses were heightened.
This time I was calm.

A phrase whispered in my ear:

I am nothing.
I am everything.

And, that’s how it felt.
A connection with everything.

I, no longer, existed.
It was my eternal self.

Had this feeling stayed with me
I would undoubtably live in an enlightened state today.

Unfortunately,
As unexpectedly as it came,
It also went away.

The lessons I took away from the experience
Are too long to recount.

But, I’ll leave you with the one
That I feel is most relevant to my days.

Very little of what I think is important
Actually is.

We are hijacked by our egos.

Personal, familial & societal expectation
Has us chained.

We’ve lost the point of life.
Or, the gift as some say.

We’re so busy doing.
So busy striving.
Pushing.
Forcing.
Resisting.

We lose sight of life.

And, that our time,
While we are aware it’s limited,
Is the breath of our life.

Time isn’t a given.
It will one day run out.

And, as that time approaches
We’ll see & understand the error of our ways.

How much of our time…
How much of our energy…
How much of our life…

Has been spent
Thinking, doing, dealing with, reacting to…

Truly insignificant, unimportant things.

In the eye of that storm,
I saw something –

The place we are meant to be.

It’s not here thinking or worrying about:
How much we weigh
The wrinkles or lines on our face
The state of politics
Or what we should buy next

The shift in my blog this year
Has been to try to help me
Find a way to return to this place.

Because the moment I do,
I become whole.

All my pain & struggle
Melt away.

As I live in the knowledge that
Underneath the struggle of our daily life…
Underneath the weight of our past…

There is something within us
That’s eternal.

That is bigger than everything around.

We create our own smallness.
We create our own struggles.

To find our true self,
We must set all that aside.
Be willing to put everything down.

And realize…

In life, how we are living it,
Happiness, well-being, healing, joy, grace…

Will be hard found.

 

Christie
Christie
Obvious self care enthusiast. Long time yoga practitioner. Introvert. Avid reader. Obsessive learner. Perpetual student.

Also blogging at accountableformyself.com

Read more about my personal journey.

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